


because it's you. (내 곁에 있어줘.)

by courage_of_stars



Series: i'll take your hand when thunder roars. [1]
Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), The Try Guys (Web Series), Video Blogging RPF, Watcher Entertainment, Watcher Entertainment RPF
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Childhood Trauma, Dom/sub Undertones, Falling In Love, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Insecurity, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings, Not Actually Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:01:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23387785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/courage_of_stars/pseuds/courage_of_stars
Summary: “Will you kiss me?”“No.”---(After watching Eugene kiss Ned duringthe K-Drama reenactment video,Zach can’t get it out of his mind. He finds the courage to ask Eugene to kiss him. Only for Eugene to reject him. Then avoid him.)
Relationships: Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej, Zach Kornfeld/Eugene Lee Yang
Series: i'll take your hand when thunder roars. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1696462
Comments: 46
Kudos: 158





	because it's you. (내 곁에 있어줘.)

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: NSFW, mental health, anxiety, childhood trauma, alcohol
> 
> Shane and Ryan are from the series: [in the darkness, would you call in the name of love?](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1655962) This fic takes place before they get together.
> 
> **Please do not share this with The Try Guys, Buzzfeed Unsolved, or any other RPF individuals. This is not for them to read. Thank you!

"Give me 15 seconds."

"Why 15 seconds?"

A coy smile plays on Ned's red painted lips. "They call me the _'Fairy of 15 Seconds.'_ " While casting a sultry look, Ned plays with his faux blonde locks. "I capture people's attention in 15 seconds during the commercials."

Subtly, Eugene's deadpan darkens until it's an intense smolder. The atmosphere grows heavier with crackling tension. Abruptly, Eugene turns to leave. But Ned catches Eugene's arm, and forces the man to look at him.

"Ready?" Ned smirks. Determination flickers in his eyes. "Start."

God knows how Zach and Keith stay silent while watching their best friends. It must've been the same for Eugene and Ned when the other Try Guys filmed the scene. With an arm across his chest, Zach rests his other elbow upon it, and stifles any sounds with a closed hand. Eugene and Ned continue with their melodramatic stare off. Zach smiles behind his hand as Ned begins to break composure--

Eugene kisses Ned.

No.

This isn't just a kiss.

This is devouring.

Eugene takes hold of Ned's face with those hands Zach stares at too often. Hands that are both elegant and strong. Eugene is a force of nature to be reckoned with, and Ned is absolutely at the man's mercy. With fervid hunger, Eugene melds their lips together. One hand slides down to hold Ned by the side of his neck. Eugene's fingers catch at the blonde wig to hurl it across the room. Any sounds from Ned stifle into incoherence. Ned falls to his knees between Eugene's legs. With the way Eugene deepens the kiss, and pulls Ned under the ongoing hurricane, Ned has no choice, but to hold onto him. 

Keith and everyone else wheeze through fits of laughter. No one expected Eugene and Ned to actually kiss. And certainly not with such intensity.

Meanwhile, Zach's pretty fucking sure his soul left his body. It's impossible to take his eyes off the two men-- especially Eugene. For years, Zach buried his attraction towards the man. But everything ruptures out into the open while watching Eugene kiss.

What would it be like if Eugene kissed _Zach?_ How would it feel to be wanted so fiercely by that man? And to be kept in safe, sure hands?

Zach's questions halt when Eugene breaks the kiss by shoving Ned away. Ned collapses on his back, eyes widening with shock, trying to catch his breath. With an air of nonchalance, Eugene leans back in his chair. Keith's still snickering as Ned and Eugene wrap up the scene.

Once they stop filming, Keith goes over to Ned, now laughing openly. Keith helps bring Ned back from his stunned state. Seeing as how Ned's in good hands, Zach approaches Eugene, and offers him a tissue.

"Thanks." Eugene wipes traces of Ned's lipstick off his face. 

"That was-" It's hard for Zach to find the right words. Or at least, not something _too_ obvious that gives away his feelings. "That was- that was freaking amazing!" Zach exclaims with wild gestures. So much for keeping things low-key. But Zach doesn't hold back from smiling. He can't keep his joy quiet around Eugene.

Eugene laughs under his breath. "I appreciate it." There's a glimpse of rare shyness. It's saved for The Try Guys, and a few other close individuals. All combined together, they make up 0.0001% of people in Eugene's life. "It's definitely going to make for an interesting video."

"Oh, for sure! And editing's going to be fun," Zach replies with a grin. "Wait, just a sec-" With another tissue, Zach reaches up to clean the last bit of lipstick from Eugene's cheek. "Alright!" Zach beams brightly. "Got everything. You're good to go, Gene."

As Eugene holds a silent stare, Zach blinks owlishly. He tilts his head with curiosity. Maybe Zach has something on his face too? While looking down, and poking at his own cheek, Zach misses the softness in Eugene's eyes. 

Before Zach has a chance to ask, Eugene tousles his hair. Zach never fails to melt at the affection. It's not something Zach takes for granted, especially when Eugene's selective about physical contact. With a soft laugh, Zach leans into the touch. There's nothing, but adoration in Zach's eyes for this man.

"C'mon." Eugene throws an arm over Zach's shoulders. "Let's go see if we can bring Ned back to the land of the living."

Zach laughs against Eugene's arm. He smiles to himself as Eugene draws him in closer.

* * *

While Zach's typing away at his laptop, a cup of coffee sets down on his desk. Blue eyes spark with delight. Zach looks up to see Eugene. "How'd you know I needed this?" Zach reaches for the coffee with a grateful smile. "Thanks, Gene!"

"No problem, dude," Eugene replies with a subtle grin. "Be careful. It's real fucking hot."

"Like you?" Zach quips with some waggling brows.

Eugene scoffs and rolls his eyes, but he's still clearly amused. As Eugene settles at his desk, he sees Keith giving puppy dog eyes. Then Ned creeping into his frame of vision with that signature manic look. Eugene just deadpans both of them.

"You two need to cut back on the caffeine. Or else you're gonna hit cardiac arrest. Already brought you one too many cups today. But here." From his bag, Eugene draws out red Pepero boxes. He slides them across the table. "Don't eat all of them at once, you hyenas."

Ned and Keith tear the first box apart. Zach stifles his fit of giggles behind a sleeve. Although Eugene shakes his head in supposed exasperation, Zach still sees genuine fondness in his eyes. Eugene holds reputation for being the most emotionally guarded Try Guy. But Eugene has his own ways of taking care of people, such as making sure they're all rested, fed, hydrated and/or caffeinated. In other words, he's the most discreet and committed Mother Hen.

After a sip of the coffee, Zach hums with a smile. The coffee's made just the way he likes it. As Zach sets the cup down, something pokes at his cheek. "Wha-" Zach turns to see Eugene holding out a Pepero stick. Without hesitation, Zach takes the chocolate-covered biscuit into his mouth. "You're so sweet."

"Puns, Kornfeld?" Eugene's attempt at a deadpan falls short. A smile breaks through too easily. "Really?" 

Zach grins with the chocolate stick in the corner of his lips. His heart swells at the sight of Eugene's smile. Happiness is a good look on him. It's something Zach strives to make happen. Eugene deserves all good things, and Zach wants to give them to him.

While everyone returns to work, Zach slides his headphones on. He nods along to the rhythm of upbeat music. Zach has an uncanny talent of multitasking-- including daydreaming about Eugene. Specifically what it would be like to _kiss_ Eugene. 

It's not the first time Zach dwells on this train of thought. Truthfully, even before thinking about kissing Eugene, Zach muses on what it might be like to hold his hand. Reach over to play with his hair. Curl up on the sofa together with their precious pets chilling nearby, drink while marathoning horror films, take note of which ones to show Ned. Give really affectionate back hugs, nuzzle against Eugene's neck, maybe kiss his shoulder. Persuade Eugene to sleep instead of pulling however many all-nighters. Let Eugene help when his muscles ache. Feel Eugene's arms around him on lazy weekend mornings when Zach's making breakfast.

Of course, more sexual thoughts weave in here and there. Zach's had more wet dreams about his best friend than he can count. But for the most part, it's an overwhelming desire to share soft intimacy. With past people, Zach's usually only considered sex with them. But with Eugene, it's spending quality time together. Supporting each other. Domestic bliss. Dating--

Wait.

Hold up.

_Dating?_

"Jesus fucking Christ," Zach hisses loudly. He stares wide-eyed at the laptop screen.

"You okay?"

Startled, Zach almost jumps. Only because the man he's been shamelessly daydreaming about is the one to talk. Zach laughs at himself while pulling off the headphones. Scarlet dusts his face from how he's a little flustered. "Yeah, yeah," Zach reassures with a nod. "I'm good."

Eugene holds his stare for a moment longer. "You sure? Because I'm the 'emotionally closed off' one in the group." There's a teasing glimmer in his brown eyes.

"To be fair, I was too for a while," Zach banters back with a grin.

"Oh, yeah?" Eugene chuckles warmly. He reaches over to give Zach's shoulder a gentle squeeze. "Well, if you need anything, just let me know."

"Thanks, Gene." Zach smiles. He hopes his face doesn't burn even more from that simple touch. "And I'm always here for you too."

There's softness to Eugene's gaze. "Thanks." His hand lingers for a moment longer before withdrawing.

As Zach sets his headphones back on, and resumes typing, a thought crosses his mind. It's rare for Eugene to initiate physical contact this frequently. Zach's heart lurches. Could this mean something? Or maybe he's just reading too much into it. Zach shouldn't be self-presumptuous like that. Anyways, Eugene can honestly have any man out there. Why would he ever be interested in Zach?

Before Zach overthinks to the point of spiraling, Ned lets out an inhuman screech, and Keith theatrically shouts, _"NO! YOU THIEVES!"_ Zach looks over just in time to see Shane snatching a Pepero box from Ned's desk. _"I HOPE EVERY GHOST AND DEMON FOLLOWS YOU HOME!"_ As Keith tackles Shane, the red box gets thrown across the room. Ryan catches it, laughing madly. He breaks into a sprint as Ned chases after him. 

Eugene leans back in his chair, and heaves another exasperated sigh. "What have I done."

"Korean snacks are just too good, dude," Zach wheezes between hysterical giggles. He pulls his glasses off to dry his damp eyes. "You're blessing the workplace."

"With chaos."

"For sure, bro. But-" Zach sets his glasses back on, and smiles brightly. "Also with something good."

Shaking his head, Eugene turns back to work. But Zach still catches the hint of a smile.

* * *

More people trickle out of the office until Zach and Eugene are some of the last ones left. As they wrap up, Zach sees Eugene growing restless. Just from the man's pensive expression alone, Zach knows that Eugene's considering staying longer. Or possibly even taking work home. Eugene's the most notorious in their team for being an unhealthy workaholic. There are times when Eugene won't sleep for days straight. Zach understands this behavior comes from good intentions. But he draws the line at Eugene compromising his wellbeing. He won't let Eugene risk burning out.

Zach wheels his chair closer, and nudges Eugene lightly. "Gene, you did awesome today!" A warm smile lights up his face. "Let's go home, yeah? You can pick up tomorrow."

Coming from Zach, the verbal affirmation isn't empty. It's why Eugene listens to him. After a deep breath, Eugene shuts off his laptop. "Yeah, you're right." He glances over at Zach. "Wanna head out together?"

"Yeah!"

After packing up their belongings, Eugene and Zach walk out of the office. They share easy, light-hearted conversation along the way.

"I started watching some more k-dramas," Zach chimes with a grin. 

"Oh, really?" Eugene laughs good-naturedly. "How's that been going?"

"Freaking awesome, dude!" Zach gestures with his hands to paint his excitement. "Like there's such a high-caliber of story, character development, arcs, _everything._ I'm in shock, really moved, and so freaking inspired, man. Actually, I was listening to the soundtrack on loop earlier today. And oh!" Zach's eyes light up. "Been learning a lot about Korean culture and history! Especially when it comes to criminal investigation."

Quirking a brow, Eugene looks over at Zach in amusement. "Which show is this?"

"Signal!"

"No wonder." Eugene chuckles. "That's one Helluva solid show. Definitely one of my favorites. I respect the writer Eunhee Kim immensely. She understands the power of a creative medium with a wide-reaching audience. The show exposes a lot of social challenges and injustices Korea's faced. And how it's inhumane what lack of empathy is given to victims of underage and sexual crimes. The show challenges our society to do and be better." Eugene exhales shakily. His heart is too full with admiration to hold it all in. "You're totally right about how it's so fucking brilliant with character development and--"

There's no restraint to the reverence bleeding into Eugene's words. Zach adores listening to Eugene share what he's passionate about, what moves him, what shapes him as an artist. There's so much life radiating from Eugene in these moments. He exists freely with breathtaking vibrance. Zach's so entranced that he almost walks into a wall. But Eugene guides Zach safely with a hand on his back.

"It's awesome you've been watching that show. I haven't had the chance to talk about it with anyone really." Unlike the usual guarded look to Eugene's eyes, there's warm light. He even looks young as his age rather than indefinitely exhausted. "Did you finish it yet?"

Zach shakes his head. "Nope. I'm maybe halfway through?" They approach the few remaining cars left in the parking lot. "You wanna watch it with me sometime?"

Softness shows through Eugene's easy smile. "Yeah, Zach. I'd love that."

"Awesome!" Zach squeezes the taller man in a hug. He smiles against Eugene's shoulder before drawing back. "Actually..." Zach's voice trails off as he looks around. It's only the two of them in the lot. "I have another question."

Intrigued, Eugene turns to face Zach. "Yeah?"

Zach's racing heart escalates in tempo. An ugly hurricane of fear, nervousness and anxiety rage within his chest. Slowly, he draws in a deep breath to steady himself. Zach tightens his grasp on the courage he's gathered. With hopeful eyes, Zach looks up at Eugene, and finally asks:

“Will you kiss me?”

“No.”

All warmth inside of Zach extinguishes. As his eyes widen, the color drains from his face. Shame and humiliation sweep over with the relentless fury of a tsunami wave. This isn't the first time Zach's faced rejection. But this cuts deeper. Like jagged metal shrapnel lodging into his heart. Eugene's expression devoid of emotion hurts more than repulsion or anger or just _anything._

Zach lowers his gaze to the asphalt ground. Tears surface. All colors melt with a gaussian blur. His breathing sounds strained even to his own ears. The young man tries to think of a response. But Zach only lets out a single, barely audible syllable:

"Oh."

"This is because of the K-drama reenactment, right? When I kissed Ned?"

"I-..." Zach hesitates. He dares to look up. Even if Eugene tends to lean towards stoic, Zach's learned how to get a good read on him. But right now, Eugene's expression and tone are unfathomable. "Kinda...? I mean, yeah, but also I-"

"So, just because I kissed another guy, you think I'll kiss anyone?" With each word, Eugene's voice takes on a dangerously sharp edge. The man stands at full height to hover more over Zach. His eerie calm only amplifies the quiet, seething rage. "Am I _easy_ to you now?"

Zach's eyes widen in shock. When did this suddenly careen in the wrong direction? As guilt strickens his face, Zach shakes his head. "Eugene, I-I-- that's not-" It's a struggle to talk when Zach's lungs choose to conveniently malfunction. Anxiety swiftly rises to border on a panic attack.  But Zach still fights through the severe heartache, so he can apologize. "I'm so sorry, Eugene. I never meant to make you feel that way-"

"I'm not kissing you," Eugene states with an air of finality. Then adds like an afterthought, "Unless it's on camera. For our show. Maybe."

Guilt weighing a thousand ton plummets through Zach. Eugene hasn't acknowledged or accepted his apology. Why would he? Zach fucked up by crossing a line. "I--" His voice cracks. Glass fragments fill his throat. While blinking back tears, Zach looks up again. "Gene, I'm s-"

Zach's apology cuts off short as Eugene walks past him. It's the cold shoulder Zach witnessed Eugene give to countless other people. But Zach's never been on the receiving end. Whatever remains of his heart shatters at the realization that Eugene's severing emotional ties. And now, Zach's kicked out of the iron fortress.

Heartbreak crosses over into paralysis. It hurts to breathe. Zach can't even turn around while hearing Eugene's car door slam shut, followed by the engine fading as he drives off.

In a numb haze, Zach makes his way home. The sheer gravity of the situation doesn't hit until the front door closes. With a strangled inhale, Zach slides down the door, and clutches at the front of his shirt.

An ugly sob cuts through the dark.

* * *

After a sleepless night of harrowing panic attacks, Zach arrives at work. He cranks up the voltage on his mega-watt smile. Zach's determined to make things right with Eugene. They're best friends. They'll get through this.

While heading into the building, Zach sees Eugene. He catches up with the man, and flashes a beaming grin.

"G'morning, Gene!" Zach greets brightly. "Do you have a second to talk? Maybe we can grab some coffee--"

"No thanks," Eugene says tersely, then walks off.

Zach's smile freezes. Slowly, it fades away. A sudden rush of hot white pain surges through his veins. He recognizes this pattern of distant behavior. But Zach never imagined Eugene would act this way towards him. At least, not for this long.

Eugene doesn't do anything glaringly different. But his subtle, calculated coldness speaks volume to Zach, Ned and Keith. Such as how Eugene doesn't randomly glance at Zach's screen, and compliment his work, or offer his hoodie when Zach gets cold, or tousle his hair, or bring two coffees instead of just one. Eugene doesn't initiate conversation with Zach anymore. He doesn't even _look_ in Zach's direction unless needed. The only time Eugene interacts with Zach is when they're engaged in group work, a team meeting, filming, or doing anything in the public eye.

Zach's grown up aware of how his presence affects social interactions and dynamics. His own anxiety is one thing. But Zach observes Keith's humor leaning towards a coping mechanism. Meanwhile, Ned's increasingly tense and uncharacteristically quiet. None of them deserve to be affected by this shitstorm Zach started. 

Especially Eugene whose workaholism skyrockets in order to distract himself from anxiety. Eugene's unhealthy behavior isn't just driven by being upset and angry with Zach. He's _uncomfortable_ around Zach.

So, Zach begins working elsewhere in the office. Although people usually work around their team, nobody's shackled to their desk. Zach isolates himself in one of the unused conference rooms. It's not ideal for group meetings when it's so damned small, and the light fixtures hardly work.

Zach thrives off social interactions, or just being around people in general. Even listening to the other Try Guys chat lifts Zach's spirits. But maybe this will be a good learning experience for him? Zach tries to keep his optimism afloat, even if he's already missing his team.

When Zach returns from a solo coffee run, he catches a glimpse of The Try Guys across the space. Keith's bright with real joy. Ned laughs, gesturing animatedly while sharing a story.

And Eugene's smiling again.

The sight punches a crater into Zach's chest. But the heartache is quickly bulldozed over by shame. Zach shouldn't hurt over how his best friends are happy without him. That's fucking selfish. As Zach returns to his solitary room, he tells himself this is for the best.

Another good thing about working alone is no one sees his damp eyes.

* * *

Zach stops going out after work. If Zach hangs out with friends-slash-coworkers at a restaurant, bar, club, show, wherever else, then Eugene won't go. Zach doesn't want to take socializing away from Eugene. Anyways, if people had to choose between Zach or Eugene to chill with, of course, it would be Eugene. He's the life of the party wherever he goes. Zach's not someone to be missed.

It's probably not the best idea to be drinking alone in his apartment. But when there's no work the next day, Zach figures why not. And alcohol is a great distraction from the growing, endless abyss in his chest--

"Jesus," Zach mutters out loud to himself. "C'mon, dude." He's not even drunk yet, and his thoughts are already in the realm of Nietzsche. Existential dread and anguished introspection aren't what Zach's looking for tonight. It's all the more reason for Zach to drink. He's tired of being sober.

Out of curiosity, and in desperate need of distractions, Zach watches the k-drama they reenacted-- You Who Came from the Stars. Surprisingly, the show's hilarious and charming. There's a great deal of heart to it. Zach's intrigued by the portrayal of authentic flaws in these characters. It's not long until Zach's emotionally invested, and keeps watching episode after episode.

Zach sits on the sofa with drink in one hand, and Bowie chilling by his feet. As he grows more intoxicated, Zach melts off the sofa, and half lays on the ground. While leaning against the living room table, Zach tilts his drink back. Something he hadn't thought of earlier is that as he gets drunk, the blurrier his vision grows. Only half of the English subtitles are legible by now. But it's fine. He still tears up when the characters laugh, and laughs when the characters cry. Or wait. Should it be the other way around? Is there a difference?

He's cracking open another drink when a flood of text messages hit.

> **( sms: ryan )** Z A C H !!!!! :) How're you doing?
> 
> **( sms: shane )** Hiya, buddy :D :D :D Just wanted to check up on you. We noticed that you haven't been getting into some night-time mischief with the crew. Which is totally cool if you wanna stay in! 
> 
> **( sms: ryan )** Sometimes Shane and I just kick back at home
> 
> **( sms: shane )** Buuuut we want you to know that if you ever wanna talk about anything, we're here for you, dude
> 
> **( sms : ryan )** And that we care about you a lot <3 :) 
> 
> **( sms: zach )** alskdjf yallll be so damNned sweet ilu gUys im ok <4
> 
> **( sms: zach )** *< 4
> 
> **( sms: zach )** *<3
> 
> **( sms: shane )** Are you drinking? You ok? Safe?
> 
> **( sms: zach )** j ust a little uwu u wu uwuuu
> 
> **( sms: zach )** y eah totally im ok the v ery definition of oK A Y :) i'm soOoOOO OKA Y that nothiing hurts anymre
> 
> **( sms: zach )** orr at lleast not as muc h
> 
> **( sms: shane )** It's okay to not be okay around us
> 
> **( sms: ryan )** We love you as you are, Zach. Can you tell us what's going on?
> 
> **( sms: zach )** laksdjfa will u pls keep thi s on the downllow? ?/? no offiice drama pls aldfjasdkf i rly dont wanna get any1 in troublle or anythin lik that :'' '( 
> 
> **( sms: ryan )** Yeah, of course!
> 
> **( sms: zach )** eu gene hates me n its all my faullt i fucked up lmao i allways fck every thing up lik dAmn IM fcked up yknow?/?? i like him n o its more lik love but ofc gene doesnt lik me n ive allway s known that bu t after seeiing e ugeene kiss nNed i was just lasjdFALKSJDFalkj!!<3!<4<3!!! Idk i fina lly asked if eu gene would kiss me but then he miisunderstood that ii was tryin g to objecitiify him n that wasnt it at all !1 !!!! I neve r wanted to disrespec t him but ii made him m ad n he hates me n he wont talk to me or even look at me ex cept whe n we''re on c amera or wha tever n im sorry imrly so rry i allways ma ke thiings har d for ev eryone try guys on lly need 3 ppl ri ght ? ?? ?

After hitting send, the phone falls from Zach's fingers. He takes a great, deep swig of the drink, then collapses on the ground. Bowie half lays on top of him. Zach pets his fur in slow, lazy strokes.

Against his arm, the phone vibrates. At first, Zach thinks it's another wave of text messages. With bleary eyes, he looks over to see that Ryan's calling. After heaving a breath, Zach reaches for the phone. It takes a few seconds to figure out how to answer the call. 

" 'ello?" he answers in a slurred voice. 

_"Zach, where are you?"_ Ryan's shouting over deafening music in the background.

"Mmmmmm--" Zach's hum drags on. His gaze drifts over the ceiling, lingers on the flashing screen, then studies the faded carpet. "On the ground."

_"On the ground?!"_ Ryan repeats with confusion and alarm. _"Where on the ground?"_

Zach momentarily gets distracted by the k-drama still playing. When Ryan keeps calling for his attention, Zach finally answers, "On the ground with-- with Bowie. The bestest pup ever!"

_"So, you're at home?"_

"Yeah!" Zach's laughter dissolves into a fit of giggles. "Gosh, Ryan-- you're an amazing detective! And so is Shane! Y'all are such cute boyfriends! Power couple!"

_ "Uh-- we're not-" _

"But you like him, right?" When there's hitched breathing from the other end, Zach just keeps rambling. "And I'm sure Shane likes you. 'cause he looks happiest with you, and y'all deserve each other. What's it like for the person you love to love you back?" Zach doesn't know if he's laughing or crying. Maybe there isn't a difference after all. "It's okay if Gene doesn't feel the same. I just wish I never hurt him. He's going to hate me forever, and so will Ned and Keith and Shane and you-"

_"No, Zach. We love you and care about you so much. It's why we're coming over to check on you, okay?"_

"What?" With wide eyes, Zach attempts to sit up. Rather than stopping the motion once he's upright, he just falls onto his other side. The wind knocks out of Zach. He breathes heavily in a way that's concerning. "No, no, no, Ryan-- I'm okay, just go have fun, please, I don't wanna fuck anything up anymore-" A sob breaks through. It rattles around in his ribcage. In a span of a second, his mood nosedives into suffocating guilt. "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, I'm sorry,-"

_"Dude, it's okay. You're not fucking anything up. Also I know you said to keep this on the down-low, but we need to make sure you're safe. So, Keith and Ned are coming too."_

"No!" Zach's voice cracks from the shout. He curls up, silently pleading for the ground to swallow him. "I'm fine, I'm fine, please don't get them involved-"

_"Zach? What happened?"_

"Why d'you sound like Keith now, Ryan?"

_"Oh, Zach,"_ Keith says from the other end. There's no exasperation, or even mild agitation. Only worry and held back sadness. The music fades with familiar voices in the background. There's shuffling of motion, slamming car doors, and an engine starting. _"Because it's me, dude. Keith. Look, everything's going to be okay. Just hang tight. We're coming over."_

"No, please-" Tears sting Zach's eyes. He's being a burden. Again. All because he can't get his shit together. "I'm okay, I'm totally sober, please don't let me ruin your night, I've already ruined more than enough-" Zach tries to get up. He manages to stand for a few seconds before gravity violently pulls him back down. Zach collapses until his upper body slumps over the sofa. 

_"Zach?!"_ Keith shouts after hearing the commotion. _"Zach, are you okay? I need you to talk to me."_

It takes a few deep breaths before Zach holds the phone closer. "I'm okay." Unlike the frantic rambling from earlier, his voice is heartbreakingly quiet. "I'm okay." Zach's other hand grips tightly at the front of his shirt. Closing his eyes, Zach fights a sob. Not because he's ashamed of crying. But Zach doesn't want to worry his friends anymore than he already has. "I'm okay." Or maybe if he says this enough times, it'll come true. "I'm okay. I- I'm--"

_"I hear you,"_ Keith replies in a tight voice. _"Keep talking to me."_

"Who's coming over?"

_"Me, Ned, Ryan and Shane."_

"No Eugene?"

_"Do you want him to come over?"_

Anxiety spasms in Zach's chest like a lightning strike. It's never happened before at the mentioning of Eugene. Zach fails to hold back a sob. Thinking of Eugene used to overwhelm him with joy, warmth and hope. He hates how that's been ruined too. Now, he's wading neck-deep in an ocean of fear and heartbreak. "I- maybe- maybe not now. I just- I've already made things hard for him."

_"What do you mean by that?"_

Even in his drunken state, Zach knows that everyone will want to know what's going on. With a choked sound, Zach says, "You can put me on speaker."

Once Keith states he's on speaker, Zach spills everything. After a few minutes, his friends have to talk Zach through a panic attack. Even though Zach can't breathe, he's still determined to confess how he fucked up, how he hurt Eugene, how Eugene deserves better. He's still spilling even once his friends arrive at his place, take away the alcohol, and rush towards hydrating him. Keith, Ned and Bowie keep Zach company. Shane and Ryan tidy up Zach's place, so The Try Guys have some space and privacy to talk.

"--and please don't be upset with Eugene," Zach cries for possibly the millionth time. "He did nothing wrong. And Ned, this isn't your fault either. You were amazing that day. So freaking beautiful in that blonde wig. You too, Keith. You're all so beautiful and perfect and awesome and I love you so much-"

"We love you too, Zach," says Keith while giving him more water. There's faint red around Keith's eyes. He's already shed a few tears during the car ride over. "We're so sorry that we didn't know you were hurting like this."

"Yeah, Zach." Ned's own eyes are damp. "We thought you wanted space. But we should've talked to you sooner."

Zach shakes his head. "No, no, no-- Not your fault. Don't- don't blame yourselves. Please." After drinking the water, Zach rests his head on the living room table. At least, he's sitting on the ground rather than sprawled out. "How do I get Eugene to not hate me anymore?"

"Eugene doesn't hate you. He's just--" Ned drinks some of the leftover alcohol. The man sighs while running a hand through his hair. "He needs time to process this."

"Yeah, man." Keith keeps rubbing Zach's back. "No way could Eugene hate you. I'd say it's the opposiiiii-"

The word drags as Ned elbows Keith. But Zach's too busy crying into Bowie's fur to notice anything odd.

Clearing his throat, Keith goes for a different topic. "Have you guys talked about this yet?"

Zach hugs Bowie closer to his chest. "He doesn't want to talk to me. And I respect that. It's okay."

"No, this isn't okay," Ned states firmly. He sets the drink down on the table a little too hard. "Ever since we've all known each other, we agreed that if something happens, we'll talk it out. Because we're all grown adults, for fuck's sake."

_"Ned,"_ Keith says in a warning tone, giving him a look.

Ned exhales to keep his composure in check. "My bad, my bad," he says with hands up. Ned knows he has tendency to overwhelm people when his emotions go volatile. "I just-- fuck-"

"Are you mad?" asks Zach with wide, worried eyes.

Ned's expression softens right away. "No, dude, not at all. I'm not mad at you. Or Eugene. Only maybe a little frustrated with _the situation._ I care about you both, and want you guys to be happy."

Keith runs his fingers through Zach's hair. "Would you be open to Ned and me chatting with Eugene?" he asks gently. "Just to get a feel for what's going on."

The only reason Zach doesn't decline immediately is because this is Keith and Ned. They're two people Zach trusts tremendously, especially for circumstances that involve Eugene. After another contemplative moment, Zach nods. "Okay." Zach's voice catches on another quiet sob. "Please be kind to him."

"Yeah, of course, dude," Keith replies with a bright grin. "We're all friends, y'know?"

" _Best_ friends," Ned adds as he finally shows a smile. "Thanks for trusting us, Zach."

"Thanks for being here." Zach hugs them both with Bowie in middle of the embrace. As Zach draws back, he shouts, "Ryan! Shane! Hugs!" Zach's still intoxicated. But at least he's gone from being an agonizingly sad drunk to more of an upbeat, affectionate drunk.

Ryan and Shane return to the living room with grins.

"Someone say hugs?" Shane throws his arms around Zach. "C'mere, buddy."

Ryan holds Zach tightly. "We love you."

Zach swallows back tears. "Love you guys, too." For the first time in days, he remembers what joy feels like.

* * *

Zach's desk remains empty.

Eugene will not look at it. He won't even spare a glance for half a second. By critically focusing on his work, Eugene fights the temptation of looking at Zach's spot. A lifetime of learning how to build iron walls, and switch off emotions comes into great use. There's nothing beneficial of giving into the storm brewing inside. Eugene can't afford to be emotionally compromised. Not when there are projects to complete, deadlines to meet, and a channel to run.

With aggressive efficiency and pragmatism, Eugene finishes project after project. And yet Eugene still falls into the trap of analyzing and re-analyzing that day in the parking lot. He dissects it, looks at it from every angle, runs through it on repeat. Is this something else Eugene got from his family, or is it all just him? Eugene doesn't dwell too long on how detrimental his upbringing might've been. He can do that on nights alone when he'd rather have the company of vodka than a stranger. Right now, what matters most is _Zach._

Zach Kornfeld. Also known as the unpredictable variable that crashed into Eugene's life, shattered all the rules he ever lived by, and set everything on fire. Sounds melodramatic. But it's pretty fucking earth-shattering for Eugene.

After being burned one too many times in the past, Eugene decided to write off love. When knowing that almost all human relations are inevitably going to crash and burn, or fade out with resentment, Eugene fails to see why he should emotionally invest in people. Especially in Los Angeles which isn't really the City of Angels, but more like City of Emotional Vampires. People will drain your empathy, your kindness, your compassion, your heart until there's nothing left. So, it's for the best if Eugene throws his heart into a heavy-duty vault, and swallows the key whole.

But there are people like the Try Guys who stubbornly refuse to give up on Eugene, sledgehammer through all of his defenses, and make it their mission to care for him.

Of all of them, Zach is the most determined to care about and love Eugene. Rationally, none of it makes sense. Zach is the polar opposite of Eugene, because Zach is infinitely braver. His vulnerability isn't weakness, but radiates like the North Star no one can look away from. He shares personal struggles to take ownership of who he truly is, and offer something people may relate to. Fearlessly, Zach wears his heart on his sleeve. He inspires people around him to lean into their emotions rather than reject them.

Whereas Eugene is so desperate to be more of a machine, Zach is fiercely, beautifully human.

Extreme emotional stoicism isn't a sign of strength. It's cowardice. Eugene fucking knows that. But he relies on voluntary numbness for the sake of survival. He's sacrificed too much to make it this far. Eugene refuses to be that little boy who cried all the damned time, and couldn't fight back when bullied. 

He's forgetting what his skin looks like underneath this armor.  Avoiding his reflection in the morning goes beyond physical insecurities. It's confronting the harsh reality of how he traded in whatever made him soft in order to survive. What Eugene shows to the world is authentic, but also highly curated.  In a way, it's no different than what was expected of Eugene as a child: _be strong, be perfect._ It's a pursuit that burns his heart out from the inside.

But with Zach, Eugene _feels_ again.

It would be easier if Eugene's attraction towards Zach remained strictly on a physical level. That's how Eugene's rewired himself to be over the years. Maybe they could just sleep together, and all of this would pass over.

But Eugene knows he's in too fucking deep when he can't see a specific shade of blue without thinking of Zach. Or how Eugene hears Korean love ballads from his childhood as new songs, flourishing with color and life, ruthlessly punching him in the chest. Or when Eugene keeps reaching for Zach to tousle his hair, rest a hand on his shoulder, or pull him in for an one-armed hug. Or how Eugene goes through random stores while thinking, _'Zach would like that,'_ or _'That's something Zach could use.'_ Or how Eugene makes sure that Zach's coffee is made just right.

Does Eugene think about fucking Zach? Of course. And it terrifies him. Unlike the usual carnal fantasies that are fleeting wet dreams, Eugene thinks about worshipping Zach's body, asking Zach which parts of himself he doesn't like, so Eugene can mark over them with love bites, kissing the precious pulse in Zach's wrist, making him feel lov--

Eugene's jaw tightens. A hand clenches into a fist with blunt nails almost breaking into his palm. Any time his mind approaches even the possibility of loving Zach, his body reacts with savage anxiety. While the world paints falling in love to be this magnificent thing with epic orchestral music and cinematic montages, Eugene feels like it's drowning and burning all at once.

Even after wrapping up the k-drama reenactment, Eugene almost kissed Zach. It was so tempting as Zach wiped remaining traces of lipstick off Eugene's face, sealing the kind gesture with his signature bright smile. When Zach smiles like that, Eugene stops breathing. The rest of the world doesn't exist. His hollow chest swells with warmth until there's something beating.

Zach reminds Eugene that he still has a heart. And that maybe it's a heart worth keeping.

Eugene's mind inevitably drifts to the day of their fall out. They go from talking about k-dramas to Zach asking Eugene to kiss him. Doesn't take a genius to know that Zach probably wants a swing at kissing Eugene after Ned. Eugene's been used more than once as men's experiments, or short-lived infatuations. He just never thought Zach would be one of those people. 

But why was Zach looking at him with such bright, warm, hopeful eyes? Could Zach...?

No.

No, no, _no._

Zach _can't_ feel the same. He just can't. Eugene is the guy you fuck, the guy you chase, the guy you have no strings attached fun with. Eugene is not the guy you date, not the guy you keep around, not the guy you go home to. Men don't love him. They love _the idea_ of him. Then they get upset when Eugene doesn't meet their expectations. Or they believe Eugene's obliged to change himself for them. They'll even feel betrayed when Eugene reveals a glimpse of his fucked up self under the public persona. Some even claim that Eugene stopped "trying" to be a good partner.

Fuck that noise.

Eugene's never dealing with that kind of bullshit again. 

But Zach _knows_ Eugene. He's seen the ugly, flawed, fucked up parts of this man. He's been with Eugene during some of his worst moments. And all Zach's ever done is give him unconditional kindness.

But now, everything's gone up in flames. And they're both still burning.

Whenever by chance Eugene and Zach cross paths in the office, Eugene struggles to remain composed. From the opposite end of the hall, a flurry of emotions flicker on Zach's face: anxiety, panic, trepidation, fear. His Freeze or Flight instincts kick in so hard there might as well be a neon sign flashing over Zach's head. Zach will find an alternate route, or quickly walk by Eugene in a blur. 

Guilt stabs at Eugene's insides. He's made work a hostile environment for Zach. As someone who can read Zach well, Eugene knows when his anxiety is rampantly high. That's what Eugene reads every time they see each other. 

Eugene types furiously at his keyboard, sometimes hitting the Enter key a little too harshly. With each spiraling train of thought, Eugene realizes he's not upset with Zach. He's pissed off at _himself._ Even in his 30s, Eugene still can't approach human relations like a fucking normal, decent adult.

Even when Eugene's known as The Try Guy who can accomplish just about any challenge, Eugene can't figure out personal interactions. If it only affected _him,_ Eugene would bury it, and move the fuck on. But there's collateral damage affecting _people around him._ And that makes him sick. So bloody sick that Eugene's barely been able to eat or sleep.

To this day, Eugene wonders if his sisters hold it against him for not keeping the family together. Will Keith and Ned hate Eugene for what he's done to The Try Guys?

In midst of Eugene almost breaking the space bar, Ned and Keith approach his desk. A sense of parasitic dread unfurls inside. Even from the corner of his eye, Eugene sees Keith with a way too big smile, and Ned resting his hands on his hips. By now, they know each other's tells. Eugene tries to discreetly raise his emotional barriers as he pulls off his headphones.

"What's up?" Eugene turns in his chair to meet their eyes.

"You got a few minutes to chat, buddy?" Ned phrases the words like a question. But they're still finessed into sounding like a demand.

"Yeah! A good ol' chat!" Keith's smile gets bigger. The man might not even be blinking. It's almost terrifying. "We could chill in a conference room."

Apprehension bristles over Eugene in waves. But he refrains from letting out a frustrated sigh. The man knows there's no avoiding this. He'd rather take this to a private space, so no one else gets involved in the verbal crossfire.

"Sure." Eugene saves his project, then stands up. "Lead the way."

As they walk, Eugene finally glances at Zach's workspace. It looks cold and empty. Even the absence of Zach's warm laughter hits Eugene harder than he wants to admit.

They end up in a small conference room that's rarely used. Eugene and Keith each take a seat. Ned remains standing, so he can pace. Heavy silence draws on. This feels like being set up for another Lie Detector Test, except there's no machine, no upbeat atmosphere, and certainly no Zach. Finally, Ned looks at Eugene, and starts off the impromptu interrogation: 

"Eugene, what's going on between Zach and you?"

"Is it affecting the work?" Coolly, Eugene counters Ned's question with inquiries of his own. "Videos? Channel?"

Eugene's met with silence. Keith just gapes. Ned stares with slowly rising anger. While Keith's still trying to process things, Ned breaks the silence first. 

"What the _actual fuck,_ Eugene?" Already Ned's voice raises in volume.

Although fully aware that it's a rhetorical question, Eugene still answers it. "I was just asking for specificity." Eugene leans back in his seat with arms folded across his chest. He's reinforcing wall after wall of his multi-layered fortress. "I'm assuming this is related to work, or else it wouldn't be your business."

Ned's about to snap, which Eugene is more than ready to take on. He grew up in a household where you damned well be able to stand ground during fights. There was never a day without passive-aggressive arguments. Eugene's had years of building an arsenal of verbal weapons. Anxiety mutates to take on another form: anger. Not explosive, hot anger that's seen more in Ned. But cold, calculating, cut throat fury where Eugene channels the wrath of all Slytherins, K-drama antagonists, and The Godfather combined. Loved ones hurting each other is familiar territory. And maybe that's all Eugene will ever know.

But Keith gently squeezes Ned's shoulder to calm him down. As Ned's body relaxes, so does his expression. "I'm sorry for coming off so strongly, and being harsh," Ned apologizes with sincerity. "I've been a little anxious. But that's not an excuse to take it out on you."

This is when Eugene knows he's fucked. He can fight fire with fire all day. But when he's faced with empathy, kindness, softness, love-- Eugene needs to run.

"We appreciate you caring so much about our work," says Keith with a fond grin. "But we're more than just coworkers, Eugene. We're friends. Family, even. We just want to support Zach and you with whatever you guys need."

Eugene's face remains impassive. His parents have always been strict about drawing strong lines between professional and personal lives. Even with The Try Guys, his parents warned Eugene about getting too close. But those hard lines blurred into near nonexistence over the years. It's one of the best things to happen to Eugene. The Try Guys are his found family.

But now all of that's in jeopardy. Eugene might not only lose Zach. But Ned and Keith.

"What's making you concerned?" Eugene asks in a level tone. In contrast to his neutral exterior, Eugene's unraveling quickly on the inside. "Why are you bringing this up now?"

Ned and Keith exchange a look. Something acerbic twists in Eugene's stomach. It's only during serious situations that Ned and Keith look so severely conflicted.

"Remember last Friday night?" Ned leans against the edge of the table. "We were hanging out at the bar after work."

"And you guys left early. With Shane and Ryan," Eugene recounts slowly. One by one, the dots begin to connect. There's already a vague picture forming, but Eugene doesn't want to be right. Not about this.

"Shane was asking if we had a key to Zach's place." Keith's fingers lace together on the table. It's an attempt to emotionally anchor himself, even when there's concern and anxiety clouding over his eyes. "But none of us do. And it's not as if Zach hides a spare under a door mat."

" _Zach's place?_ You guys went to _Zach?_ " Incredulity grates at Eugene's voice. Protectiveness rears in as Eugene leans forward. "Why didn't I know about this?"

Another lull of tense, uncomfortable silence creeps in. Eugene cares deeply for Keith and Ned (which says a lot, since Eugene rarely gets so emotionally attached.) But he's starting to get real fucking tired of them communicating via silent stares. 

Well-hidden exhaustion finally surfaces on Ned's face. "Zach wasn't in a good place. Mentally and emotionally," he answers with a troubled exhale. "And we learned that it involves you."

Terror and guilt slam into Eugene like a freight train. All those years of believing that he's inherently _bad, wrong,_ and _fucked up_ crash back in. What if Eugene's done irreparable damage to the one person he cares about most? The calm nature to his voice falls away with a tremor. "Is Zach okay?"

"He's stable," Keith reassures with a small smile. "Ryan and Shane have been spending time with him."

"While you guys are with me," Eugene says flatly. Of course, he's appreciative of Shane and Ryan supporting during this mess. But Eugene's silent anger towards himself threatens to be all-consuming. Their team being torn apart feels too similar to a divorce. Eugene tries to keep that part of his childhood under lock and key. But anxiety still burns over him in acidic waves.

"Gene, we're going to work through this." Keith gazes at Eugene while the other man obsessively studies a wall. "We just wanted to hear from you what's been going on."

"Zach asked me to kiss him. I said no. That's it," Eugene answers with a half shrug. He's bordering right on flippant nonchalance, but stays neutral. Or else Ned might have an aneurysm. It tends to happen when Eugene throws his usual defense mechanisms at his best friends.

Ned hesitates in a way where it's painful. After drawing a deep breath, the man asks, "Was Zach pressuring you? Did Zach try to coerce or force you after you said no?"

_"What?"_ Startled, Eugene's eyes widen. Whatever remains of his balanced persona shatters. Eugene's heart jumps at the thought of people getting the wrong idea. He never wants Zach to be painted in a negative light, especially when Zach's done nothing wrong. "Jesus Christ-- _no,_ fuck no." Eugene shakes his head. "Zach would _never_ do anything nonconsensual. He was absolutely respectful."

"Thank god," Ned says with a huge exhale of relief. He claps Keith's shoulder. Both men look like they got ten years of their lives back. "Keith and I didn't think Zach would do something like that. But we still needed to ask. Your safety and wellbeing are always important to us."

Although Eugene isn't easily shaken, the man feels nauseous now. "Zach is _good,_ " Eugene stresses with his voice nearly choking. "I-" Eugene looks down at the table. He's hit with memories of his sisters getting blamed for his fuck ups. They never deserved any of that. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make such a mess." The walls are closing in. It's getting harder to breathe. "Please don't resent or hate Zach. He didn't do anything wrong."

"Hey, hey, Gene." Keith reaches over to rub between Eugene's shoulder blades. He tries to soothe Eugene's anxiety, so the man doesn't hyperventilate. "There's no resentment, hatred, any of that stuff going on, okay? Nobody's in trouble. We're just trying to understand what's happening."

"You're safe with us." Ned rests his hand Eugene's shoulder. "We'll get through this together. I promise."

"You can't promise that," Eugene protests almost weakly. It's a struggle to stay in the present. Eugene's bombarded with memories of his parents and adult relatives giving empty promises during the divorce.

"I just did," Ned replies with a grin. "We're all stubborn as Hell when keeping the fam together."

Eugene feels like a feral animal waiting for the right moment to bite at their hands, and break out of the room. But this is Ned and Keith. Slowly, Eugene relaxes under their familiar, comforting hands. "Okay."

Ned shifts to sit on the table's edge. "Can you tell us more about what happened between Zach and you that day?"

Eugene lets out a quiet sigh. This conversation is like pulling teeth. Fuck. Ned's a force of nature in his own right. And Eugene's defenses are even lower when Keith's being so wonderfully supportive.

"I...felt--..." Eugene swears in Korean under his breath. Even if the syllables are clumsy to his ears, it feels right when his frustration is raw and blistering. "I...still feel-- scared," he finally confesses. Self-repulsion flays him alive. Layer by layer. He hates acknowledging these kinds of vulnerabilities, but hates even more saying them to people he respects and cares about. "Zach asked me after the k-drama kiss with Ned. And I guess, Zach felt like he could casually experiment with me or whatever, because I'm the convenient gay guy around. Which-- fine. Whatever. I'm okay with casual things. But-" Eugene closes his eyes tightly. After an exhale, Eugene opens his eyes, and gazes tiredly at the wall again. "Not with him."

"Eugene, you're not the 'convenient gay guy'," Ned states adamantly. "And Zach would never objectify or belittle you like that."

"Then why did he want to kiss _me?!_ " Eugene fires back, glaring sharply at Ned. "Why not you or Keith or anyone else?"

Ned's about to answer, but stops himself. He reconsiders his words, then asks, "Did you ask _Zach_ why?"

All the fury in Eugene goes up in smoke. His expression falters until it's a clean, blank slate. For once, there's no lightning fast counterargument. Eugene recalls how he reacted to Zach. With cold, growing horror, Eugene realizes how viciously ugly he was. Overpowering guilt seeps out like a black oil spill, poisoning everything in reach.

_"Fuck."_ Eugene runs a hand through his styled hair. "I accused Zach of thinking that I was easy. Because it's happened before with other guys." He shrugs off-handedly with a brittle laugh. "And I'd always tell myself I don't care how men see me. But fuck, god _damnit-_ " Eugene glares at the table. Everything in him fights to keep these words locked behind gritting teeth. "Guess deep down, it felt disrespectful and shitty. But-- I should've known Zach isn't like that. Especially when he respected me saying no."

"Why not Zach?"

Eugene looks over at Keith. "What?"

"Earlier, you said you're okay with casual acts." Keith withdraws his hand from Eugene's back, and rests his arm on the table. "But not with Zach. Why?"

Eugene stares. And stares. And stares. Why is his vision getting blurry? Why do his eyes sting? Oh, right. It's because unwanted, traitorous tears decide to surface. But Eugene refuses to acknowledge them, or let them fall. 

"Because--" Covering his face with one hand, Eugene's exhales against his palm. The door calls with a siren song. Eugene wants to run towards it. Lose himself in endless hours of work. Then drink himself into oblivion. Eugene breathes raggedly through the anxiety. After a moment of silence, his hand falls.

"I feel for Zach. Romantically. It's growing into love, and that fucking terrifies me."

If love confessions are meant to be beautiful things, then why does it take everything out of Eugene? This feels like defeat in a war he never wanted to fight.

"I've been feeling this way for a while. And no matter how I try _not_ to, it just- _it won't stop._ " His shoulders sink as exhaustion creeps into his tone. "Casual with Zach would just fuck _me_ up when I'm _already_ fucked up which would in turn fuck up _Zach_ and _everyone around us._ " It's not the most eloquent thing Eugene's ever said. But it's still honest. His own vulnerability feels like third-degree raw burns. "I'm sorry."

"Gene--" Ned moves in closer to wrap an arm around the older man. While Keith's rubbing his back again, Eugene buries his face against Ned's side. "You did nothing wrong. And you don't have to apologize for falling in love. Nobody has a choice in that. It just happens."

"But we _do_ a choice in telling someone, in acting upon those feelings, in being with that person...or _not._ " Eugene's voice slightly muffles against Ned's shirt. He's grateful how his best friends don't comment on the few tears that escape. "I know I'm being a coward. But I don't want to ruin anything. Not again."

Only once hearing the last two words does Eugene realize he said too much. Keith's moved on to rubbing his shoulder and back of his neck. Ned holds Eugene's head closer to his side. 

"Not again?"

Eugene closes his eyes. In a barely audible voice, he confesses, "I couldn't keep my family together."

"Oh, Eugene--" Keith draws in a slow breath. It subtly breaks from held back tears. " _That's not your fault._ And it shouldn't have been your responsibility in the first place."

"We love you. So much." When Ned feels Eugene tense, he just keeps holding the man close. "And we know that you love us too, Gene. We're strong as Hell when we're together. So, don't think that you're a burden, or anything like that. We're going to keep fighting for you."

Eugene remains silent. He needs a moment to find his voice again. With a shaky breath, Eugene quickly wipes at his damp face. He fights the urge to claw off his own skin. It's not that he has such a deep-rooted issue with crying. Eugene just hates it when other people see him cry. "...thanks, guys."

"Of course, dude." Keith smiles warmly. "But we still really think that you should talk with Zach. So, you guys have a chance to hear each other out."

"What's the outcome supposed to be?"

"Human relations aren't like math problems," Keith points out gently. "I know how scary it can be to feel like you're not in control. But Zach and you always had each other's backs all these years. That hasn't changed now."

"Zach and you will get through this," Ned adds with unwavering conviction. "You're both some of the most selfless people I know. And you always have us."

Even with years passing in this friendship, Eugene still gets overwhelmed by how much Ned and Keith love him. Quietly, Eugene asks, "Did Zach already leave for the day?"

"Yeah. Saw him leave few minutes before we came into this room." Ned rubs the back of his neck. "Actually, this is the room he's been working in."

As that sinks in, Eugene scans the place with greater scrutiny. The room is small, cold and dimly lit. Eugene's heart aches. "...here? Alone?"

"For a while," Keith comments gently, getting a sense of Eugene's worry and guilt. "But he's working with Shane and Ryan lately, so he's had company."

Some relief flickers inside Eugene. "I'll need to buy them a year's supply of Pepero."

" _Dude!_ What about _us?!_ " Ned exclaims with arms waving widely.

"You guys can have a lifetime supply," Eugene answers. "I'll even get you the ones in different flavors." A smile tug at his lips as Ned and Keith cheer ecstatically.

Keith's wide smile disturbingly takes up too much of his face. "Does our darling Gene want a hug?"

Eugene scowls. His eyes narrow when Ned joins in with his own deranged grin. With a huff, Eugene mumbles, "Fine, yeah, whatever, it's better than sitting in Keith's lap-"

His voice muffles as Keith and Ned envelope him in a hug. Eugene closes his eyes, overwhelmed by all of this unconditional love, care and affection. After a prolonged moment, Eugene wraps his arms around them. "Thanks, guys."

"Any time, dude." Keith smiles warmly. "We love you."

"Damn right, we do!" Ned adds with a broad grin. "You sure you don't wanna sit in Keith's lap?"

Eugene shoves them off, but there's still a ghost of a smile. It's good hearing Ned and Keith laugh light-heartedly.

But Eugene still misses the sound of Zach's voice.

* * *

As the doorbell rings, Bowie dashes towards the door excitedly. Zach watches in fond amusement. Bowie's always an affectionate pup, but he's practically bouncing off the walls right now. Usually it's a sign that someone Bowie knows is outside. Curiously, Zach approaches the door. It's rare for his friends to spontaneously swing by without texting beforehand.

"Aw, you must really wanna see them," Zach coos as he scratches Bowie behind the ears. With a grin, Zach opens the door. But the smile fades into an expression of confusion.

"...Eugene?" 

Eugene stands across from Zach, hands in his pockets. "Hey."

Zach's grasp on the door handle tightens. "I--" Anxiety flares within his chest. But not wanting to be rude, Zach steps aside. "Wanna come in?"

"Thanks."

As Eugene walks in, and Zach closes the door, Bowie eagerly knocks into Eugene. With a smile, Eugene kneels down to return Bowie's affections. Eugene greets the dog with laughter and petting. Zach's heart aches. He missed seeing the softer, cheerful side of Eugene up close. 

"Uhm-" Zach rubs at the back of his neck. "Can I get you anything to drink?"

"I'm alright. But thank you." As Eugene stands up, his indifferent expression returns.

No. That's not indifference. That's suppressed anxiety, exhaustion and fear. Dark circles under Eugene's eyes accent his weary gaze. Even his hair isn't messy in a fashionable way, but unkempt from running his hand through it one too many times. 

When Zach breathes in, the inhale cuts at his insides. It hurts to see Eugene like this. And it's emotionally overwhelming. Not only has it been a long while since Eugene's been openly vulnerable. But for Eugene whose perfect composure is part of his shield, this means Eugene _trusts_ Zach. Otherwise he'd never let Zach see even a fraction of his haggard condition.

"I should've texted or called earlier." Eugene's voice lacks its signature self-assured timbre. Nervously, the man clenches and unclenches a hand at his side. "Can we talk? Please?"

For a second, frustration knots in Zach's stomach. How come all of Zach's past attempts at getting them to talk were rejected? Do they only get to talk when it's convenient for Eugene? Ugly words balance on the tip of Zach's tongue. But the words don't leave. Zach digs in deep for what keeps his heart open to this man.

It's love.

And with love, Zach doesn't succumb to ugly emotions that could dangerously grow into grudges and spite. At least, not yet. Even Zach's empathy has its limits. But tonight, Zach sees Eugene bearing all of his bruises and cracks. And Zach's exposing just as much. 

"Yeah. Okay." Zach sits down at one end of the sofa. He hugs a cushion to his chest. It's a low-key way of keeping his anxiety under control. "I'm listening."

Eugene takes a seat on the sofa's opposite end. There's only a few feet of distance between them. But it feels like an ocean's width. Smothering silence finally breaks when Eugene says, "I'm sorry. For everything."

Zach stares. This isn't what he expected. It's rare for Eugene to apologize. Not because he's incapable of experiencing remorse, or too prideful to say sorry. But Eugene rarely says or does things that aren't on his terms. So, it's rare he feels the need to apologize.

"Eugene, you had every right to say no about kissing," Zach replies in a level tone. It does little to conceal his emotional fatigue. "I never want you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable."

"No, wait- What I mean is- I'm sorry for how I lashed out." The heel of Eugene's hand digs into his thigh. Zach isn't the only one fighting to keep anxiety at bay. "I jumped to conclusions, then completely pushed you away afterwards. I'm sorry for making you feel like you needed to isolate yourself from our team and friends. It shouldn't have taken me this long. Or until Keith and Ned had to do an intervention. I--" Eugene clenches his fist tightly. Skin stretches taut white over his knuckles. "Zach, I'm so fucking sorry for hurting you. I was blinded by trying to protect myself. But that's no excuse for cutting you off."

Already with Eugene's first few words, Zach feels tears brimming his eyes. The man blinks furiously to keep them in. "Protect yourself?" There's more heartbreak than confusion. Zach holds the sofa cushion tighter. "Gene--" Zach swallows hard in an attempt to hold his voice steady. "I'd _never_ want to hurt you."

"I know, I know. You've always been kind to me." Eugene's words threaten to crack. "I just...I have this god awful problem of seeing my present, even my future through a lens of fucked up things that happened in the past."

Zach smiles ruefully through tears. "You mean like trauma?" he offers gently. 

_'Trauma'_ \-- the word sets off a live wire in Eugene. He almost recoils. In his Korean upbringing, Eugene's been taught that anything in the realm of  mental illness is weakness, brings shame to your family, or not even real. Despite logically knowing none of that's true, Eugene's internalized that toxic stigmatization towards himself. He'll champion for mental health rights and support for everyone else. But Eugene doesn't know how to give that compassion to himself. Deep down, Eugene still feels undeserving.

In any other situation, Eugene might snap in protest. Or just walk out. But Eugene's at the point in his life where he's too fucking exhausted to keep living in denial.

"Maybe," Eugene admits while looking down. "But it's still not an excuse for me to justify how I hurt you."

After a moment of silence, Zach holds his hand out. Palm facing upwards. "Gene, can I hold your hand while we talk?"

Eugene warily stares at the held out hand. It's become something of a comedic bit in The Try Guys that Eugene has a 'fear of intimacy.' But there's some truth to it. Except Eugene's not most afraid of being hurt by other people. He's afraid of _himself_ ruining _them._

But slowly, Eugene reaches out. When their hands touch, the iron fortress begins to crumble, and Eugene can _fucking breathe._ Their fingers lace together.  With a soft smile, Zach draws in a little closer. They sit together in silence until the tension eases out of Eugene's body.

"I have some things to apologize for too." Zach's thumb runs over the back of Eugene's hand. "I'm sorry for making you feel like you're easy, someone to use, or anything shitty like that. I never meant to disrespect you, Gene. You're fucking amazing, brilliant, kind, and-- Anyways, I-..." Zach laughs under his breath, then shakes his head.

Eugene squeezes Zach's hand in reassurance. "You can tell me, Zach."

"I shouldn't make this about me. I just- Fuck--" Zach still can't meet Eugene's gaze. He struggles to breathe in. "Okay, just to preface, I'm not trying to be self-deprecating. All I'm doing is stating the facts." He gazes at their clasped hands. "And fact is that I'm not- I'm not attractive, not even in your league, not someone anyone would want to kiss-"

"The reason I _didn't_ kiss you is because I _wanted_ to."

Zach's eyes widen in bewilderment. It swiftly gives way to sheer confusion. Zach doesn't even know where to begin with trying to understand that statement. When Eugene's hand almost slips away, Zach sees the man panicking underneath. Eugene's on the brink of closing off again.

"Gene, you're safe here." Zach keeps hold of Eugene's hand. He smiles encouragingly. "I want to hear what you're thinking. Feeling. All of it."

It's so fucking tempting for Eugene to slam the button on shutting off his emotions. But that means blocking Zach out. And Eugene's already hurt Zach enough. Eugene holds onto Zach's hand tighter. It's hard to tell who draws in closer. Perhaps it's both of them. They're close enough for knees to touch. When Eugene's gaze flickers up, he's left breathless from the vivid color of Zach's eyes. He missed that striking, vibrant shade.

"I like you," Eugene confesses. Even if his eyes waver with more vulnerability than ever, Eugene's going to do this while looking at Zach. "I've been falling for you, and--"

Eugene's voice cracks. It sounds hideous to his ears. Eugene holds onto Zach's hand even more, so he doesn't give into the urge of running away.

"All of this fucking terrifies me." His confession quickens as everything spills out from the broken dam. "I don't want to fuck up everything-- you, us, The Try Guys. I know that I'm thinking too far ahead. But even if by some chance you'd want me, I'd be an awful partner. You know better than anyone else what a fucking wreck I am. I just-- I fucking hate how selfish love makes me. Zach, I-" Eugene's words splinter as he murders a sob, so it doesn't dare escape. "I want to be with you, even when I know I don't deserve you."

Eugene struggles to breathe through the anxiety he's perpetually in-denial of. It's even more of a challenge as he watches a hurricane of emotions in Zach's eyes. So much of it appears to be pain. Zach's pain reaches deep inside Eugene. Heartache scorches every vein. Closing his eyes, Eugene lifts their clasped hands, and presses his lips against Zach's knuckles.

"Thought I succeeded in burning out my ability to experience romantic attraction. Because I wanted nothing to do with love. I just-- Love exhausted me. But then--" Eugene opens his eyes, and finds Zach's gaze. "I met you. And all the rules I've lived by didn't work anymore." A quiet, yet genuine laugh breaks through. "It's the best thing that happened to me. You showed me I could be strong enough to learn how to be human again."

A sob hitches in Zach's breath. He lets it break free. "Gene, you're the strongest fucking person I know." Zach leans in, and brings their foreheads together. His other hand rests on the side of Eugene's neck. "And kind. And _good._ And there's nothing selfish about wanting to be with someone. You're _always_ deserving of love."

Now, Eugene really wants to fucking run. Zach's compassion eviscerates Eugene more than spite, anger, hatred and other poison he's so used to. Eugene grew up believing that he's inherently bad, wrong, fucked up. It's taken well into adulthood to start breaking out of that mentality. But it's still a challenge to believe there's some light in him. Yet here's Zach who's seen this human wreckage, and fiercely claims that Eugene is good.

Closes his eyes, Eugene leans into Zach's touch. He whispers, "Thank you."

Zach's fingers thread through Eugene's dark hair. "Don't give me too much credit. I'm just being honest." He smiles softly. "Thanks for opening up like this. I know that it's not easy, but it means a lot." Zach reaches for Eugene's other hand. Gently, he helps uncurl Eugene's clenched fist, so his nails don't dig into his own skin. Zach caresses around the crescent moon marks.  "Where do you wanna go from here, Gene? I just- I don't want you to hurt anymore. Do you want to just-- forget? Like forget about what I asked-"

"Fuck no. I don't want to forget," Eugene says, leaning in closer. "Kissing you would've been different from kissing Ned. Or any other guy. It's _real._ To me."

"Same."

Eugene stares blankly. "What?"

Zach stares back, then laughs breathlessly. He's crying at the same time, but there's only joy. "Oh, my gosh, _Gene-!_ " Zach takes Eugene's face in his hands. "I like you, too. It's only been getting closer to love everyday," Zach confesses. "And I'm just as fucking scared. I don't know what I'm doing either. But we'll figure it out, yeah?" The tears only bring more color to Zach's eyes. "I want to be brave for you, Gene. And I really, really want a chance to make you happy."

Eugene can't stop staring. Who the Hell talks so openly like this? It shoves Eugene off another cliff, so that he's falling for Zach even harder. Eugene dries Zach's tears. Instead of being ashamed about crying, Zach just laughs warmly, and leans into Eugene's touch. At the feeling of Zach smiling against his hand, Eugene's heart seizes.

No. 

Eugene won't run. 

Not from Zach.

Not anymore.

Zach's brows raise as Eugene slides off his glasses. After setting Zach's glasses on the table, Eugene looks at him.

"Will you ask me again?"

Zach blinks. "Ask you what?" When Eugene grins wryly, Zach understands. "Oh!" His initial surprise is overtaken by a rush of emotions. He's caught somewhere between crying and laughing. Zach leans in closer, and asks:

"Will you kiss me-"

Their lips collide as Eugene brutally closes the space between them. Never again will Eugene deny this gravitational pull. He robs all oxygen out of Zach's lungs. As the kiss deepens, the rest of the world fades away. Eugene holds the side of Zach's face. With a stifled sob, Zach leans into the firm, steady grasp. The aching sting of nail marks on Eugene's palm soothe against Zach's warm skin. Eugene memorizes the lovely rise and fall of vertebrae as his hand slides up Zach's back.

To Eugene's awe, Zach reciprocates with just as much ferocity. While moaning harshly into the kiss, Zach straddles the other man's lap. Sharp exhilaration rushes through Eugene at how Zach slides in with unexpected grace and ease. His arms wrap around Eugene's shoulders. A low groan escapes Eugene as Zach's fingers tighten in his dark hair. With his hand on the small of Zach's back, Eugene pulls the man in closer. Heartbeats hammer wildly between flush ribcages.

When Zach's teeth catch on his lower lip, Eugene's brain cells shut down. He never expected this kind of dominance from Zach. Eugene was in complete control while kissing Ned, and any other guy for that matter. But with Zach, Eugene falls apart. Every poorly done suture breaks and comes undone. Desperation and vulnerability bleed through the cracks. Eugene kisses Zach deeply, trying to convey how fucking sorry he is for hurting Zach, how damned much he loves Zach. 

Zach matches the heated kiss by moaning right into Eugene's mouth. Somewhere between clashing teeth, Zach gasps out, _"I forgive you."_ And when he feels Eugene's sob on his lips, Zach only kisses the man harder.  The taste of salt at the corner of their mouths catch Eugene off guard. It's not only Zach's tears. But his own.

Before Eugene reels from openly crying, Zach kisses away the tears. Eugene closes his eyes, not knowing what to do from all of this tenderness. Zach guides him by drawing the man in for another kiss. Even when ugly sobs claw out of Eugene, Zach's unafraid of kissing him rougher.

The kiss breaks only once they need air. While catching their breaths, Zach kisses down Eugene's jawline to his throat. A low moan spills out as Eugene grips Zach's hips. It sets off a chain reaction of Zach gasping against Eugene's neck, and grinding in his lap. They both swear at friction between their hips. Electric desire fissures down their spines.

"Zach, wait-"

All motions stop. Zach sits up straight. "You okay?" He brushes Eugene's bangs back with a concerned gaze. "Talk to me, babe." Zach rests his hand on the side of Eugene's face.

Eugene feels dizzy from _Zach_ calling him by a pet name. It takes a moment for him to recover. "Yeah, I'm alright. More than alright," Eugene answers with a smile. He turns his head to kiss Zach's palm. "Just wanted to check-in with you. I don't want you to feel like we can't take it slow. It's totally okay if we don't have sex. I'm just- I--" Eugene looks down. Oh, god. He can feel himself blushing. "I'm just happy to be with you."

"Holy fuck," Zach wheezes in absolute awe. He's about to implode from how damned endeared he is. _"You're adorable."_

With a scowl, Eugene lightly hits Zach in the arm. "I am _not._ "

Zach's still lost in a fit of giggles. Despite scowling, Eugene's heart fills until it's overflowing. He's longed to see Zach bright and delighted again. Eugene melts as Zach's hands take hold of his face.

"I care about you so much, Gene," Zach murmurs. "And I feel so fucking much for you too." He kisses each scarlet crescent moon on Eugene's palm. "It's why I can't do this if it's going to be an one-time thing. I'm not like-- asking for lifetime commitment, or anything like that. I just- Fuck--" Zach hates how he fails to be articulate now of all times. 

Eugene kisses him again. This time it's softer, gentler. "Same," he says simply. "It's why I didn't kiss you the first time you asked. I thought it wouldn't mean much to you. Even though it'd mean everything to me."

Quietly, they both breathe through the emotional weight of those words. Zach leans in closer. Eugene meets him halfway. When their lips press together, they sigh softly.

"Can I ask another question?" Zach kisses the man's cheek, then draws back a little. He holds Eugene's hands against his chest.  "Will you fuck me?"

Eugene doesn't know how to react. Most of his mind exerts energy on keeping his arousal under control. Rest of him marvels at how Zach can be innocent, cute, romantic and sexy all at once. Eugene roughly pulls Zach in for another searing kiss. "Damn right, I will."

Zach moans into Eugene's parted lips. In one fluid motion, Zach falls on his back across the sofa, bringing Eugene down with him. One leg hitches up to lock around Eugene, so their hips meet. It's a simple move, yet fires overwhelming arousal through Eugene. Usually Eugene's the one calling the shots during sex, because of his innate need to be in control. But there's something thrilling, even liberating about Zach guiding him like this. Only to this man does Eugene surrender his control, his walls, his armor.

Their fingers lace together tightly. Eugene pins Zach's hand above his head. With his lips, Eugene traces along Zach's jaw. He whispers Korean into the man's ear. Zach feels another wave of tears rising.

"What does that mean?"

"It's another way of expressing love," Eugene whispers softly. Raw vulnerability wrecks his voice, but Eugene doesn't try to hide it anymore. "In my opinion, it feels...deeper. More significant. It translates to--" He holds Zach tightly, and buries his face into Zach's shoulder. " _\--stay by my side._ "

Tears spill over as Zach returns the embrace. "Say it again."

"내 곁에 있어줘."

Between choking on sobs, Zach does his best to echo the words. The syllables blur and melt into a mess. But Eugene's never heard anything more beautiful.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! ;U; <3 I hope you all enjoyed this story! This is my first Eugene x Zach fic. I'm sososo excited to be writing for The Try Guys! This was intended to be a small fluffy fic, but it exploded into this qwq ;; Originally, it was longer. However I've chosen to develop the NSFW scene into its own story, because Zach x Eugene's first time deserves that.
> 
> As a gay Korean-American writer, I'm grateful to have the chance to write for Eugene. He's my role model (along with rest of TTG , BFU, Watcher!) It means the world to me that I can write about experiences, nuances and details that I haven't been able to before. The Try Guys and TTG community's acceptance, love and support give me hope. Once again, thanks so much for reading! Comments, kudos, and so on are always loved ;u; <3 Hope all of you have a lovely day! Please stay safe, and take care of yourselves <3 uwu <3
> 
> \-- Fic title: ['너의 모든 순간 (Every Moment of You)' - 성시경 (Sung Sikyung).](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tlm6w3tuGQo) Song featured in 별에서 온 그대 (You Who Came From the Stars). 
> 
> \-- Series title: ['Walking the Wire' - Imagine Dragons.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nv9br7P7g0)
> 
> [ Disclaimer: This is 100% a work of fiction. There is no association with the real Eugene Lee Yang, Zach Kornfeld, Ned Fulmer, Keith Habersberger, Ryan Bergara, Shane Madej, and other mentioned individuals. ]


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